Dating
is scary and stressful enough when you are alone and have the convenience of
privacy. However, if you add an ex-husband, or the long term equivalent, and
maybe a child then you get an arena of disaster. This formidable world of
communication between exs entering the dating world again is an area of
research that Dr. Miller-Ott has looked at extensively. After numerous phone
calls to people in this demographic she has found that there is a lot of discrepancy
between people in understanding what societal “rules” they should follow and
what information they should share with each other and their family.
Being
the ex to someone means that you have been hurt and have “baggage”, it doesn’t
matter how the relationship ended you are officially used goods. No longer are
you able to keep up this persona of innocence that seems to be a high
attracting factor towards men. This is especially hard when you have kids as
well. Most people would do almost anything to have a clean break from their
partner. They want to forget about the love and desire that they once shared so
that they can be new, rejuvenated, and free. They wish to experience the world
as themselves. This is impossible when you and your ex-partner shared kids
together. As long as the kids are still around the other partner you have this permanent
connection and reminder of your ex. Having had kids with your partner also
makes your ex, whether you like it or not, an official family member. This
means that they have to be communicated with and let in on certain subjects,
such as who you are bringing around their children. This awkwardness is what
makes the study of communication so interesting in these cases. It is
impossible to know the right thing to say and in these situations it seems that
the “right thing” doesn’t exist.
It
is difficult enough to tell your partner in the relationship your feelings
towards them. You have to somehow convey very intimate feelings at a very
non-intimate level. You have to communicate how you feel and future
possibilities opening yourself up to get hurt by more than one person. You
could suffer scrutiny from your ex, from your children, or even from the new
partner. It is also impossible to know the order of who you should convey the
information to first. If you tell your feelings about the partner to the
partner first and they accept the feelings then you would be betraying your
family by not letting them in on the “loop”. If you tell your ex first then
they could not only resent you for these new feelings but feel like you are
trying to hurt them. This could especially go wrong if the new partner rejects
your feelings and then makes you feel like you told your family for no reason
and are put in a very emotionally naked position. If you tell your kids first,
so that the ex doesn’t have to hear about the partner from you, then they could
possibly get even more upset that they have to learn about your actions through
their kids. There is literally no winning.
Nothing is private in
these scenarios. You might as well be a walking tabloid magazine because if you
don’t feed the information to everyone yourself, then they will eventually find
out about the relationship if it goes well enough. In these cases the
information comes with feelings of betrayal. You are no longer your own self but
a part of a larger picture that has to communicate with the world. It is sad to
say, but it seems that eventually it comes to a point where you will have to make
a decision that parallels you from your children. During these times you have
to decide who you want to please more, yourself and your children.
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